gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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