I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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