He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
