I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
