brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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