they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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