I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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