I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
