Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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