"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
