Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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