I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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