why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
