You smell like a Billy Joel song
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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