So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
