If i come over, it means nothing
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
