I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This baby is an asshole
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
