He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
he fucked my hip out of place.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Randomize
