If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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