i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Your cock deserves a montage
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize