I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
