you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
