So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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