Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
