i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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