The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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