: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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