Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
