Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
