And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
