dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
