Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
