end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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