Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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