When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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