I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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