legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
