We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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