fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
