I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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