The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize