The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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