fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
