You don't have asthma, your pregnant
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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