Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize