I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
