I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
