Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
