Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
