I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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