someone get that fucking seahorse.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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