Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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