Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
