nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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