he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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