Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i think i have herpe
just one?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
