i would punch a child for taco bell
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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