He had one of those small greek statue penises
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
