can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
