I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
