we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
