Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
