All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
