why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize