I faked an abortion last night.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
