i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
