People in love make me want to vomit
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
