a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
