If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize