why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The power of my boobs compel you
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize