I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
