Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
